Steph: That party was off the chain, man!
Matt: Okay, first of all, never say „Off the chain“ again. And second, keep your voice down. My roommate hates it when I stay out past midnight.
Steph: What are we? Middle school? What roommate sets a curfew?
Puritan: A God-fearing puritan roommate. And where were you? Going about the devil’s business, no doubt!
Steph: Who is this guy?
Puritan: Jedidiah Diligence Breckenridge III. And what is your name? You misbegotten spawn of the underworld?
Steph: Steph.
Puritan: Named after pagan deities, no doubt.
Steph: No, after my dad, actually.
Puritan: The dad of lies, no doubt!
Matt: Calm down, Jedidiah. I am sorry I am late but it’s the weekend. Cut me some slack.
Steph: Yeah, it was just a party, man.
Puritan: A fiendish festivity that included the offspring of the Serpent of old, no doubt!
Steph: Offspring of the Serpent of old?
Matt: It’s what he calls women.
Puritan: With their flaxen hair and tantalizing elbows, they are the embodiment of sin.
Steph: Whoa, why do you have that belt? Matt, why do you live here?
Matt: He only charges five bucks a month for rent.
Puritan: That’s what my great-great-grandfather charged. Inflation is the buttress of Beezlebub.
Steph and Matt: Whoa!
Steph: Okay, I am sorry. This is getting a little crazy.
Puritan: Pain and affliction taketh away the fuel that feedeth lust!
Matt: Are you insane now?
Puritan: Better to be pruned to grow than cut out to burn.
Jeremy: Hey, Matt, you left your phone at the party.
Puritan: Yo sé quién eres. Tienes gafas gruesas con bigote. Tu eres el diablo!
Jeremy: Ok, first of all, did you just call me, el diablo? And second, I’m Philllipino, not Hispanic.
Puritan: My apologies. I feel extremely ignorant and foolish.
Jeremy: Yeah, it’s ok.
Puritan: (that same phrase in whatever language)
Jeremy: How many languages do you know?
Puritan: One. But I can speak that phrase in 150. Thank you, Puritan college. Now, get in line for your cleanse whipping.
Matt, Steph and Jeremy: No!
Natalie: Hey, Matt! Do you want to come over for a Harry Potter marathon?
Matt: Oh, Natalie, now is not a good time to pretend to be a witch.
Natalie: Why not?
Matt: Well, because my roommate will burn you at the stake. Which he has at the back yard.
Natalie: I just got this wand and cauldron. Come on, it’s fun.
Matt: Jedidiah, I promise you, she is not a witch.
Puritan: Red hair!
Steph: That’s what sets him off? Her red hair?
Jeremy: It is the devil‘s hair.
Matt: Oh, Jeremy!
Natalie: Oh, that’s true.
Matt: At least he is gone now.
Puritan: Mathew, bring wood and oil.
Matt: Yeah, we should go.